they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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