please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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