There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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