i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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