My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
