Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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