If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
