Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
