She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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