: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
