I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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