if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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