how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
