I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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