Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
