Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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