You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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