...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Randomize
