My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just pynch a tree in the face
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
