I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
