Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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