you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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