dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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