Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
