cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
