She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
