Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm at about main and main street
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
