my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
