I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
