I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
