he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
