I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
A+ Viking dick
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
