I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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