Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
