i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
