I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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