Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
being pregnant is like rehab
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
