Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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