I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
