Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
