so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i drank out of a bidet.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
