is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
