Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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