We're like a lot better than the average bears
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
