Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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