Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
