Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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