I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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