i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
