If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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