There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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