I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
