Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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