Umm I'm too high to move.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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