mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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