dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
