You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
