Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
