Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
