i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
