he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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