Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
