we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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