omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
