I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
