i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
